Home Remedies

It is always important to have a plan of action ready in case an unfortunate event occurs at home. Here are some helpful tips that could really help out...

1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don't panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

7. Avoid the mess when your toilet backs up, use the yard.

Of course we don't recommend you actually use any of these remedies, they are for humor purposes only.

Grandma's Boyfriend ... sent by Tara/Margarita

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feelgood andthe comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as myboyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' herboyfriend."

The minister fainted.

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11 rules of MySpace - Agreed!

Date: Mar 21, 2006 12:53 PM
Subject: Amen Sista
Body: 11 rules of myspace

1. If you're ugly, stop acting like you don't know it. The captions under you picture that says "top model pose", "sexy bitch", "arn't I hot", doesn't convince anyone.

2. To the people who have like 25,000 friends, are you serious?Nobody in this universe can keep up with that many friends.You're stupid. Go catch lightning bolts.

3. Don't ever post pictures and say "OMG, I'm so ugly", "OMG, I'm so fat", because if you were, you wouldn't post them.

4. Nobody cares about threats over the internet. Don't try to act hardcore with the keyboard. Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics; even if you win, you're still retarded.

5. Making 20 bulletins a day about how you have new picturesand begging people to comment on them is pathetic. Make the bulletin once if you have to, and those who actually care about you will comment on your pics.

6. If all your pictures look the same, don't post them all. Please put some variety in your pics. Nobody wants to see your face 8 different ways.

7. Who really gives a rat's ass if I don't accept you as a friend?MOVE ON!!! Don't send me another request or message asking"what's up with you not adding me?" I don't want you as a friend; that's what's up!

8. Stupid 7th graders who have MySpace and look like sluts, go somewhere else because nobody wants you here.

9. If you have decided to read this, you are a true MySpace Friend. Real friends read their bulletins.

10. I say you go and pass this on and maybe it will finally get through people's brains (if they have them).

11. And if you open a bulletin and then repost it again and it says something like "repost"...well you should just be smacked for your utter un-originality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Good friend Vs a True friend!!

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Send this to 8 of your closest friends on myspace. Remember, a good friend will help you move. A truly good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!

~ AFFAIRS ~

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be crematedwith such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleepand woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied. "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!You've been playing golf!"

~ Idiot Sightings ~

IDIOTS IN PHONE SERVICE: This week, my phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce. " He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING AT THE AIRPORT: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING AT A CROSSWALK: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING IN THE WORKPLACE: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING AT THE CAR DEALERSHIP: When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

Have a Good 1, Mark

Hotlanta Kink Test ... Another one from Tara ... Thanks girl.



Congratulations! Your Hotlanta Kink Test score was 400!

Here is the chart so that you can see how you are rated:

100 or less You need to lighten up and live a little!
101 to 200 You have an average sex life in need of kink.
201 to 300 You have sweet hints of a kinky nature.
301 to 400 You are definitely a kinky player.
401 to 500 You are a major league kinkster!
501 to 600 Wow! You're too kinky for most!!!
601 or more SUPER FREAK ALERT! You da BOMB!

The maximum score for this test is 700.

If you're looking for fun loving and interesting people who
score well on tests like this, join us at Club Hotlanta.

http://www.quizuniverse.com/quiz.php?id=37

Thanks, Tara!

Highlight this link and paste it in your browser - put your name in and get Your favorite thing to say in the bedroom is?!?
Post the FIRST THING YOU GET! No Cheating!


Doug--Don’t worry, I keep a dildo with me just in case.(WTF)?
Ryan--Are you O.k.?
Nicole--Do you have intentions of deflowering my rose? hahhaa
Deuce-- You taste like pickled beets... LMAO.. HAHAHA
Angela - "We're stuck again"
Chris - Why won't it stop?
Steph - "Hey, I think I invented this new position"
Steve, " You want to do WHAT!!" :) wow, i really have said that before
Amanda - "jesus will u put that away"
Blake- "Shake it like a polaroid picture"
Arley- "no, not that hole"
Danie ~ No condoms? That’s O.K. - I brought plastic wrap
Heather- Where'd I leave my pants? haha
Patrick - The paramedics are going to laugh at me (not again! jk)
Tammy- Do you have intentions of deflowering my rose?
Joe ~ Why does this happen to me every time?
Camm---Saddle up, cowboy
Susan~ Are you ok (well of course he is)
Whiskey Girl~ You taste like pickled beets.... LOL
Gone Crazy~ We're stuck again.......lol
Tara "Maragrita" ~ Shake it like a polaroid picture! LOL

Your favorite thing to say in the bedroom is: You taste like pickled beets Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Adult Jokes ...


Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife was finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

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Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help.

The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake on the penis.

The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend!

"There has got to be another way", said the man and the doctor sighed, "no, I am sorry!"

The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friend lying on the ground in a lot of pain! The man on the ground cried, "what did the doctor say?"

The friend said, he said you're going to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."